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magidSunday I went to the wedding of some friends. It was at a shul in Brookline, right across the river, so no having to figure out getting to NYC and back. It was a beautiful wedding (like every other one I've been to, though each has its own quirks).
Kabbalat panim [1] was at 11.30, and Q and I got there not so long after that. There were already a number of people in the foyer. I was surprised and pleased to see some unexpected faces (and at least one person was surprised by clean-shavenness). The bride was off to one side, beyond some tables with veggie and fruit platters, and the bar. Not long after we arrived, there were servers circulating with little hors d'oeuvres (ok, for Hildy: horse's ovaries), and after that a couple of tables with hot foods were set up, too. A bunch of yummy things (The one thing I'd not seen before: some kind of meat in a green sauce with kidney beans.). I foolishly forgot that this food was likely to be the best of the afternoon, so left far too much room for lunch :-).
The groom was upstairs in a "multi-purpose" room. We went up to say hello, and again later for the signing of the ketubah [2]. As usual, there were guys interrupting the groom's attempt to give a d'var Torah [3] by singing lots of wedding songs. I was impressed with the rabbi first talking about the signing of the pre-nup, how it should be standard (The kind of pre-nup to make sure there is a religious divorce as well as a civil one, if a divorce happens. Otherwise, under Jewish law, the women are in a horrible situation. Pre-nups for monetary things are a different matter.), and only after discussing that mentioned the ketubah (which is already standard...).
Downstairs again, in time to get good places for the bedeken [4]. This is one of my favorite bits; I try to get a spot close to the bride (why do I keep typing "bridge" for "bride"?!). And this was no exception. She glowed, and mouthed to him that she loves him. Both were beaming. The groom's father had tears streaming down his face.
And then the guys who had danced him down to the bedeken danced him away again, and we were invited into the sanctuary for the chuppah [5]. There were "guide to our wedding" pamphlets, which was nice. Every one of these I've seen has been a bit different, emphasizing different things, choosing different explanations of customs.
There were a lot of people walking down the aisle, including some nephews and a niece (the boys enjoyed the attention, the girl was shaking), and siblings with spouses, and bridesmaids (in red dresses all made of the same satin, but all different cuts) and groomsmen. We rose when the groom, then the bride, came down the aisle, each escorted by parents. E (on break from the hospital) sang a song, welcoming them.
Under the chuppah, the bride circled the groom 7 times, then the "betrothal" part of the ceremony [6]. Two guys were called up to be witnesses. Oops, one of them hadn't yet made it... A pause... Another guy was called up instead (her last boyfriend before this one), and things went smoothly after that. Blessing over wine, another blessing, groom and bride sip wine. Then someone read the ketubah. Unfortunately, he didn't project much, so it wasn't so interesting. It was also then that I realized that no one had been interested in making sure women had roles in this wedding, either reading the ketubah, or holding up the chuppah (this chuppah was on poles, wasn't held up by anyone). Not a big deal, just interesting, and not what I'd choose for my theoretical wedding.
So, on to the ceremony. There were 7 blessings said (the same 7 are repeated in grace after meals for the first week after the wedding), each by a different person. We sang parts of the long 7th one. Then, something I'd not seen before, a memorial prayer (Keil Maleh Rachamim) was said for the groom's mother, who died 5 years ago. This was linked to remembering the other family members who had also not made it to this day, then to remembering Jerusalem. It is always haunting to hear the minor key song of not forgetting Jerusalem at the end of the ceremony, just before the glass is broken.
And then everyone said "Mazal Tov!" and the bride and groom were danced to the yichud room [7]. And the rest of the crowd went into the hall to have salad (many kinds of greens, pecans, craisins). And wait for the bride and groom. This took longer than expected, and people started throwing confetti at each other...
Finally, the couple arrived, so at least the end of the confetti were thrown on them. And the dancing began. Lots of circles, men's and women's. The shtick started almost immediately, with people in silly hats, kids in masks on adult shoulders. They were raised on chairs, the bride holding on as well as she could. Then to the pieces done in front of them. There were the usual juggling, bull-fighting, guys swinging each other around. The things that really stuck out were individualized, with some chemistry jokes for the bride (a bio-chemist), and two Cities and Knights jokes (a bunch of guys lying on the floor in a zig zag, then holding up the sign "longest road," and another time a bunch of guys marching in together holding up the sign "largest army"). Two women had brought their belly-dancing hip scarves and danced; the bride joined them for a while, which was really cool. The band was doing a great job. And then the set came to a close.
Main course (the rice with nuts and veggies were good, also the bite-sized patty-pan squash; the rest forgettable), then some speeches. They were nice, sweet talks, except for the last, which was more compelling. The groom's best friend got up, and was funny, and interesting, and emotional. He described playing superheroes with the groom, and how he developed a power he was now passing on to the bride...we waited for the demonstration... he snapped his fingers, and the groom completely cracked up. The friend said it was the bride's now, to use for good... He also mentioned how the groom doesn't have a poker face, couldn't even be said to have a Trivial Pursuit face... I'm so impressed with people who can get up and give a speech worth listening to.
More dancing, this set with more ballroom dancing. I surprised myself a bit, deciding that I would do that here, and had a great time dancing with YoniB. And I got to watch some little girls enjoy dancing, too (Reena is incredibly cute!). I danced to a couple of other songs, too, perhaps more than I should've; I was out of breath by the end. But I'd had fun, moving the way I wanted, rather than the traditional Israeli dancing that doesn't move me at all, unfortunately (almost every other kind of dance is more interesting to me).
And then it was time for grace after meals. We didn't move chairs to be together, and there were lots of empty spaces by this time... I was at a table by myself. At least I got to grab an extra bencher [11]. The 7 blessings, the mixing of the wine from different cups, and then things started winding down, though the band started up another set. There was a bus rented to take people to the airport, so a lot of people were leaving, or changing out of formal clothes. A bit more dancing for me, then time to go.
Oh - I ended up looking pretty good: a translucent black blouse with square mother-of-pearl buttons, and three-quarter-length sleeves over a white top, with a double-layer black gauze skirt, my hair up in a circular French braid, lipstick. I was pleased, especially since I hadn't spent too much time shopping for the blouse. And it's washable, always a plus.
And now to figure out dinner for about 20 Friday night: I'm hosting a sheva brachot [12] for the couple.
[1] Welcoming the guests, lit. "receiving faces"
[2] Jewish marriage contract
[3] mini-sermon, I suppose. lit. "word (thing) of Torah"
[4] The groom puts the veil over the bride's face. It is also the first time they've seen each other in a while (Some couples don't see each other for the week before the wedding.).
[5] A chuppah is a wedding canopy, and also refers to the wedding ceremony which takes place under it.
[6] A formal thing, more serious than a modern engagement, since to end this kind of betrothal would need a Jewish divorce decree. Hence it is usually done just before the wedding itself, to avoid trouble...
[7] I can't give an exact translation of this one. "Yichud" is when a man and a woman are alone together, and the presumption is that after a certain amount of time, one might have the assumption that they've had sex (and therefore might be married [8]), as long as there are kosher witnesses to this. There are people who are never alone with members of the opposite sex who are not relatives; they are avoiding yichud issues. It is not a popular thing these days, at least in more modern circles. In any case, in most yichud rooms, sex doesn't happen (hard in a wedding gown and tux, in a rather short time); they are likely to get something to eat (they've been fasting), and do other mushy things, but sex is a little too messy...
[8] There are 3 ways of getting married under Jewish law, and the traditional wedding incorporates them all: money (the ring), document (the ketubah), and sex (yichud, the possibility of sex) [9].
[9] Fwiw, the sex is supposed to be had with the intent of getting married. So random boinking and bopping aren't quite enough. And there have to be witnesses (to the fact that people were alone together, not to the sex itself.). [10]
[10] just to make the footnotes longer... Hi, Bitty!
[11] also spelled bentcher, bentscher, and a couple of other permutations. A little book with grace after meals in it, and usually also has things like songs for Shabbat, etc.
[12] lit. "7 blessings," the ones put into grace after meals. Basically, there are dinner parties the week after the wedding. Traditionally, this is to distract them from not having sex after the first night, due to the virgin bride's bleeding making her need to dunk in a ritual bath again. However, these days, that's not always an issue... Anyway, this is also a chance for couples to see people they didn't invite to the wedding, since there's supposed to be at least one "new face" at each one. Some couples have these in their hometowns, others in their current towns.
Kabbalat panim [1] was at 11.30, and Q and I got there not so long after that. There were already a number of people in the foyer. I was surprised and pleased to see some unexpected faces (and at least one person was surprised by clean-shavenness). The bride was off to one side, beyond some tables with veggie and fruit platters, and the bar. Not long after we arrived, there were servers circulating with little hors d'oeuvres (ok, for Hildy: horse's ovaries), and after that a couple of tables with hot foods were set up, too. A bunch of yummy things (The one thing I'd not seen before: some kind of meat in a green sauce with kidney beans.). I foolishly forgot that this food was likely to be the best of the afternoon, so left far too much room for lunch :-).
The groom was upstairs in a "multi-purpose" room. We went up to say hello, and again later for the signing of the ketubah [2]. As usual, there were guys interrupting the groom's attempt to give a d'var Torah [3] by singing lots of wedding songs. I was impressed with the rabbi first talking about the signing of the pre-nup, how it should be standard (The kind of pre-nup to make sure there is a religious divorce as well as a civil one, if a divorce happens. Otherwise, under Jewish law, the women are in a horrible situation. Pre-nups for monetary things are a different matter.), and only after discussing that mentioned the ketubah (which is already standard...).
Downstairs again, in time to get good places for the bedeken [4]. This is one of my favorite bits; I try to get a spot close to the bride (why do I keep typing "bridge" for "bride"?!). And this was no exception. She glowed, and mouthed to him that she loves him. Both were beaming. The groom's father had tears streaming down his face.
And then the guys who had danced him down to the bedeken danced him away again, and we were invited into the sanctuary for the chuppah [5]. There were "guide to our wedding" pamphlets, which was nice. Every one of these I've seen has been a bit different, emphasizing different things, choosing different explanations of customs.
There were a lot of people walking down the aisle, including some nephews and a niece (the boys enjoyed the attention, the girl was shaking), and siblings with spouses, and bridesmaids (in red dresses all made of the same satin, but all different cuts) and groomsmen. We rose when the groom, then the bride, came down the aisle, each escorted by parents. E (on break from the hospital) sang a song, welcoming them.
Under the chuppah, the bride circled the groom 7 times, then the "betrothal" part of the ceremony [6]. Two guys were called up to be witnesses. Oops, one of them hadn't yet made it... A pause... Another guy was called up instead (her last boyfriend before this one), and things went smoothly after that. Blessing over wine, another blessing, groom and bride sip wine. Then someone read the ketubah. Unfortunately, he didn't project much, so it wasn't so interesting. It was also then that I realized that no one had been interested in making sure women had roles in this wedding, either reading the ketubah, or holding up the chuppah (this chuppah was on poles, wasn't held up by anyone). Not a big deal, just interesting, and not what I'd choose for my theoretical wedding.
So, on to the ceremony. There were 7 blessings said (the same 7 are repeated in grace after meals for the first week after the wedding), each by a different person. We sang parts of the long 7th one. Then, something I'd not seen before, a memorial prayer (Keil Maleh Rachamim) was said for the groom's mother, who died 5 years ago. This was linked to remembering the other family members who had also not made it to this day, then to remembering Jerusalem. It is always haunting to hear the minor key song of not forgetting Jerusalem at the end of the ceremony, just before the glass is broken.
And then everyone said "Mazal Tov!" and the bride and groom were danced to the yichud room [7]. And the rest of the crowd went into the hall to have salad (many kinds of greens, pecans, craisins). And wait for the bride and groom. This took longer than expected, and people started throwing confetti at each other...
Finally, the couple arrived, so at least the end of the confetti were thrown on them. And the dancing began. Lots of circles, men's and women's. The shtick started almost immediately, with people in silly hats, kids in masks on adult shoulders. They were raised on chairs, the bride holding on as well as she could. Then to the pieces done in front of them. There were the usual juggling, bull-fighting, guys swinging each other around. The things that really stuck out were individualized, with some chemistry jokes for the bride (a bio-chemist), and two Cities and Knights jokes (a bunch of guys lying on the floor in a zig zag, then holding up the sign "longest road," and another time a bunch of guys marching in together holding up the sign "largest army"). Two women had brought their belly-dancing hip scarves and danced; the bride joined them for a while, which was really cool. The band was doing a great job. And then the set came to a close.
Main course (the rice with nuts and veggies were good, also the bite-sized patty-pan squash; the rest forgettable), then some speeches. They were nice, sweet talks, except for the last, which was more compelling. The groom's best friend got up, and was funny, and interesting, and emotional. He described playing superheroes with the groom, and how he developed a power he was now passing on to the bride...we waited for the demonstration... he snapped his fingers, and the groom completely cracked up. The friend said it was the bride's now, to use for good... He also mentioned how the groom doesn't have a poker face, couldn't even be said to have a Trivial Pursuit face... I'm so impressed with people who can get up and give a speech worth listening to.
More dancing, this set with more ballroom dancing. I surprised myself a bit, deciding that I would do that here, and had a great time dancing with YoniB. And I got to watch some little girls enjoy dancing, too (Reena is incredibly cute!). I danced to a couple of other songs, too, perhaps more than I should've; I was out of breath by the end. But I'd had fun, moving the way I wanted, rather than the traditional Israeli dancing that doesn't move me at all, unfortunately (almost every other kind of dance is more interesting to me).
And then it was time for grace after meals. We didn't move chairs to be together, and there were lots of empty spaces by this time... I was at a table by myself. At least I got to grab an extra bencher [11]. The 7 blessings, the mixing of the wine from different cups, and then things started winding down, though the band started up another set. There was a bus rented to take people to the airport, so a lot of people were leaving, or changing out of formal clothes. A bit more dancing for me, then time to go.
Oh - I ended up looking pretty good: a translucent black blouse with square mother-of-pearl buttons, and three-quarter-length sleeves over a white top, with a double-layer black gauze skirt, my hair up in a circular French braid, lipstick. I was pleased, especially since I hadn't spent too much time shopping for the blouse. And it's washable, always a plus.
And now to figure out dinner for about 20 Friday night: I'm hosting a sheva brachot [12] for the couple.
[1] Welcoming the guests, lit. "receiving faces"
[2] Jewish marriage contract
[3] mini-sermon, I suppose. lit. "word (thing) of Torah"
[4] The groom puts the veil over the bride's face. It is also the first time they've seen each other in a while (Some couples don't see each other for the week before the wedding.).
[5] A chuppah is a wedding canopy, and also refers to the wedding ceremony which takes place under it.
[6] A formal thing, more serious than a modern engagement, since to end this kind of betrothal would need a Jewish divorce decree. Hence it is usually done just before the wedding itself, to avoid trouble...
[7] I can't give an exact translation of this one. "Yichud" is when a man and a woman are alone together, and the presumption is that after a certain amount of time, one might have the assumption that they've had sex (and therefore might be married [8]), as long as there are kosher witnesses to this. There are people who are never alone with members of the opposite sex who are not relatives; they are avoiding yichud issues. It is not a popular thing these days, at least in more modern circles. In any case, in most yichud rooms, sex doesn't happen (hard in a wedding gown and tux, in a rather short time); they are likely to get something to eat (they've been fasting), and do other mushy things, but sex is a little too messy...
[8] There are 3 ways of getting married under Jewish law, and the traditional wedding incorporates them all: money (the ring), document (the ketubah), and sex (yichud, the possibility of sex) [9].
[9] Fwiw, the sex is supposed to be had with the intent of getting married. So random boinking and bopping aren't quite enough. And there have to be witnesses (to the fact that people were alone together, not to the sex itself.). [10]
[10] just to make the footnotes longer... Hi, Bitty!
[11] also spelled bentcher, bentscher, and a couple of other permutations. A little book with grace after meals in it, and usually also has things like songs for Shabbat, etc.
[12] lit. "7 blessings," the ones put into grace after meals. Basically, there are dinner parties the week after the wedding. Traditionally, this is to distract them from not having sex after the first night, due to the virgin bride's bleeding making her need to dunk in a ritual bath again. However, these days, that's not always an issue... Anyway, this is also a chance for couples to see people they didn't invite to the wedding, since there's supposed to be at least one "new face" at each one. Some couples have these in their hometowns, others in their current towns.
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Date: 2002-11-05 12:33 pm (UTC).