Alternative universe Hamlets

[magid]

"You want to go back to university like Laertes? Sounds good."
*reads philosoophy at Wittgenberg*
*gets tenure*

"Horatio, you see that ghost?"
"No way I'm admitting that to anyone; I don't want to end up in an asylum."
"Works for me."

"No, I don't know The Death of Gonzalo."

"I'm the son of the dead king. That jerk just stole my throne. Time to rally people to my banner and act like the king I've been raised to be."

"Who's that behind the arras? Oh, hi, Polonius!"

"Sure, I'd love a drink at the beginning of this fencing."
*is poisoned*
"Oops."
*everyone else lives on happily ever after. or at least, reasonably so.*

"How unlucky Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were captured by those pirates though everyone else escaped."

"You know, after your bizarre behavior, a nunnery sounds rather restful."

"He's praying. Time to kill Claudius while he's distracted."
*stabs him in the back*
*no one else is harmed*

"Hey, Ophelia, wanna get married?"

"Hamlet, dear, I have the names of some excellent shrinks. If the talk therapy doesn't work, perhaps psych meds will."
*is institutionalized*

"Horatio, give me more of those shrooms. It's like I can actually see my father!"

*does not have the quick wits for speedy banter and word play*
*ends up in a play that is half as long*