The Jewish Guide to Snow Removal

[magid]

Just got this (without attribution), couldn't resist.

Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."
 
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait,  don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
 
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."
 
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
 
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
 
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"
 
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of a young Jew shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
 
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
 
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."
 
Rabbi Daniel Wasserman: Shovel the snow?? I've waited all this time for it and you want to get rid of it already!!!

Comments

[pinkfish.livejournal.com]

I don't know most of the names here, but it is hilarious nonetheless!

[magid.livejournal.com]

The first three are Israeli politicians... My grasp of Israeli politics is weak; others are more likely to be able to explicate more than that.

Artscroll is a publishing house that is known for giving exacting detail for how to do things (no room for variation, which is part of the system, but whatever).

Tikkun Magazine is a (Conservative? Reform?) magazine. Tikkun = fixing, sort of, as in fixing the world, making it a better place. Definite political leanings...

Rashi is a classic medieval French commentator on the Bible and the Talmud.

Birthright Israel is a group dedicated to getting young (up to early/mid 20s) Jews to go to Israel, on free trips, since studies have shown that that correlates to staying Jewish (whatever that means) later on. Or something like that.

Hartman runs some kind of peace institute.
s

[prog.livejournal.com]

A friend of my housemates recently surprised us by vanishing for a few weeks, and then reappearing with photographs of himself having adventures in Israel. It seems that he had seen an ad for a Birthright Israel voyage (or something like it), and, feeling idle and restless, wanted to join it. He did not see an obstacle in the fact that he was not, in fact, Jewish -- apparently, he simply fast-talked his way aboard, and had a fine time of it thereafter.

I'm sure the experience did strengthen his sense of identity, but probably not in ways the organizers intended. Oh well. Everyone is smiling in the photographs, anyway.

Birthright Israel

[magid.livejournal.com]

I'm impressed; that must've been some fast talking indeed.

I admit to being annoyed that this program started after I was well past the cut-off age. Free travel is something I find hard to turn down (with a couple of exceptions, I suppose).

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

That's pretty funny. Good thing they don't get so much snow in Israel.

Snow in Israel

[magid.livejournal.com]

The second winter I was there, they got boatloads of snow. It was amazing how much fell, much more than I remember seeing recently in Boston (my mom offered to ship my my skis (!)). Which meant that a lot of trees lost most of their branches, since they weren't used to the weight, and I got to watch Israelis walk around in sneakers with plastic bags sticking out that they'd wrapped around their socks.

What goes around...

[magid.livejournal.com]

...comes around, revised. Just got another copy of this in email, and there were some new ones, included below.

Judith Plaskow: Whether shoveling snow is an issue of concern to Jewish feminists, or feminist Jews, is a question we are not yet ready to ask. Who is to say that once we create a memory of Sinai that includes the voice of women, whether shoveling will even be the remedy for snow that we shall seek?

E M Broner: The women sit in the snow and chant. They face East, knowing that the Holy of Holies was never theirs, yet knowing too that it always will be theirs. They become wet and cold, sitting in the snow, but as they imagine the Old Stone House in Jerusalem that contained heat and cold, gold and ash, darkness and light all at once and in the proper proportions, they felt neither wet nor cold. The women stand in a circle and sing. They grab shovels and as their voices rise and fall, the shovels rise and fall, and the piles of snow rise and fall, and then Shelegit the Lesbian for Places North says, "Enough with the rising and falling! It is too male! It is not mine!" The other women embrace her, sighing, except for the Bad Girl who likes the rising and the falling. She alone continues to shovel.

Debbie Friedman: The snow blesses us/so we greet her flakes/the snow purifies us/so we greet his strength/ the snow is cold/so we seek what is warm/the snow is harsh/but we fear no harm.

Marge Piercy:
I am glad to know
That snow is suddenly of my People,
My People always knew snow, first in Michigan in gritty
Detroit and now in New England
And I have written of snow in the many many many pages
Of poetry and prose
But when I started writing Jewish poems and prayers
About the sweet challah and the odd sounds of the Amidah
Did I know
That even snow
Could be viewed through the lens of my People
Part of our history
Cold and wet and familiar as my cat's tongue?

The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple): "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared."