She's Not There

[magid]

I read She's Not There (Jennifer Finney Boylan), the story of an MTF transwoman figuring out who she was, and changing to be who she always felt she was inside (subtitled "A Life in Two Genders"). The journey is complicated with years of denial, family relationships, and a fairly public job, too. Not surprisingly, it's an interesting read.

It's made me think about gender identity and sexuality. The author describes always wanting a different body than what she was born with, and I realized that while intellectually, I can sympathize, I don't really grok it. I've always felt female, even when I've noticed having some more typically male attributes. That's what my body is, and that's how I am. It's hard for me to imagine them being separate things. I accept that they are, for some people, but that's all about intellect, not emotional understanding. (Which makes me feel cold-hearted, especially towards any transpeople reading this, though that's not my intent.) (I also wonder what people living before reassignment was possible did to ease their pain.)

The other part of this is that she cites a doctor who says that approximately a third of post-op people keep their original sexual orientation, about a third switch, and about a third lose interest at all (what about people who start out bi? No clue.). Which makes things difficult for those who are partnered with them (unless they're bi, too, I suppose). The author still loves her wife*, and her wife loves her, but in a different way. They're partnered, raising their kids, but her wife seems to be straight. And it's unclear whether the author is still attracted to women in general, or men, except that she loves her wife and doesn't want that to end, or what. I keep coming back to this part, how it works with the already-extant partnerships (and close friendships), because in this case, she came out long after those relationships had been established. It must make a difference, knowing from the beginning that person X is trans, so their body might change to match their mind someday, rather than having it sprung after years of togetherness. I think this is the big difference between the transpeople I know and the author; I assume it's partly a generational thing, as well as cultural.

There were other interesting parts of the book, but these are the two I keep rolling around my brain. I think it's been particularly interesting because the book I read just before, Wild Seed (Octavia Butler), has two people who can change bodies (for all intents and purposes, at will), but seem to keep their inherent gender identities even when in an opposite-sex body. I wonder now whether the author did that intentionally, or didn't consider an alternative.


* A non-MA way of ending up in a legal same-sex marriage in the States!

Comments

[qnetter]

You're right that existing relationships are one of the most complex challenges, and probably about the generational aspect as well ,though that is a matter of degree, of course -- similarly, 37 years after Stonewall, we still have men and women coming out after decades of marriage. And like any human challenge, there are as many resolutions and non-resolutions as there are people involved. One of my old college acquaintances transitioned after 20+ years of marriage; her wife identified (past tense -- sadly, she passed away a few months ago) as straight, and I know every day was a challenge and an act of exploration for them.

[cellio]

Interesting post. Thanks.

another route to legal same-sex marriage

[(Anonymous)]

My state is one of two that will not change the gender on a birth certificate. This has some interesting consequences.

First example: A few years ago, I attended the wedding of two women. But because one of the women was legally a man, the marriage was in accord with the law. You can bet that this is not what the folks at the statehouse had in mind.

Second example: A baby was classified as male at birth. The baby grew into a child who felt like a girl, and who had a body to match. In college, she started living as a woman, and has since had a child. But legally, she's still a man, and cannot marry a man. Fortunately, she's a lesbian.

--Your Cousin.

P.S. You have relatives comin' to town in August. You should let them know your availability.

[magid.livejournal.com]

every day was a challenge and an act of exploration

I can only imagine; that would be so difficult.

[magid.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

Re: another route to legal same-sex marriage

[magid.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize that there were any states that do not allow changing gender on a birth certificate. Or rather, I didn't realize that birth certificates were of the documents that might be changed, since person Z was still born whatever gender, even if Z switched later as an adult.

Either way, whether the paperwork is allowed or not, it can mean same-sex marriages, whether dating from pre-op or post-op.

First example: wow.

Second example: I suppose it's a lucky thing she's a lesbian, then.


PS. Email sent; I'm around.